1 Year: Finding Happiness

Wow.  I can't believe it has been a year.  I have to admit that this is not the "1 Year" post I imagined I'd be writing when Eli was born.  Like many mommy bloggers, I hoped to document each month of Eli's life and then share the fun celebrations we had on his first birthday.  Learning to walk, stuffing his face with cake, eating most foods and opening lots of toys are the types of things I expected this post to consist of.  Alas, this post is very different from balloons, cake, presents and a big party.  Instead, this post touches on our experiences of healing and hope.

I am often in awe at the amount of healing Logan and I have been blessed with over the past year.  If you would have shown me a glimpse of our lives one year into the future before Eli died, I would have absolutely told you that the only reason we felt this much happiness and peace is because he had gotten out of the hospital and was on the road to recovery.  The sting of losing Eli doesn't get any weaker, but we continue to get stronger and have a greater ability to handle it

Don't get me wrong, there are often days that we continue to struggle.  We still experience tears, great heartache and "if onlys". Simple things like walking through Target and seeing the adorable little boy clothes tug at my heartstrings.  Thinking of Summer coming is tough because I can't help but imagine how much fun we would have had watching Eli swim and play outside.  Four little boy cousins were or will be born by this summer and I know he would have had so much fun with them.  In just over a month he would have been old enough for nursery (isn't that crazy?!) and I know we would have loved dropping him off for the first time.  If I'm not thinking about these happy things that could have been, I sometimes catch myself reliving the not-so-happy days Eli lived.  It breaks my heart that he went through so much and experienced so much pain yet there was nothing we could do to relieve it or even explain to him why he was feeling the way he was.  During the days that I feel down, I try to remind myself of some great advice I recently read: "…No matter how good or bad I have it, I must wake up each day thankful for my life, because someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Truth be told, happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them...”

One of the most common questions we get is: "How are you REALLY doing?"  Honestly?  We are genuinely happy.  Of course we wish Eli was still with us but I would never wish away what we've experienced because of how much we've grown.  I feel like an entirely different person from who I was 12+ months ago.  My perspective on life, our marriage, my relationship with my family and friends and my goals have all vastly changed--in a positive way.  I love who I've become and consider it one of my greatest blessings.

Hope.  We have a lot of it.  We have high expectations for our future and what it holds.  One year from now Logan will be done with school and I'm sure there will be other exciting changes in our lives as well.  (No, this is NOT an announcement!) People continue to wonder when we'll expand our family but we honestly don't have an answer because we still don't know ourselves.  Some of you may recall that pregnancy was not kind to me.  From about 5 weeks along until nearly 6 months postpartum I had a rough road and it was tough on both me and Logan.  Physical challenges aside, neither of us is quite ready emotionally.  The loss of Eli continues to weigh on us, some times more than others, and we want to be a bit more stable before we bless our lives with another baby.  And, of course, the IVF journey we've chosen isn't exactly as easy as pie.  We still need more time to work out all of the logistics.

If I think too much about all of the physical, emotional and IVF hurdles ahead of us I tend to get overwhelmed but then I remind myself that everything will fall into place exactly when and how it's supposed to.  Right now, we aren't ready for another baby but we may wake up tomorrow and feel very differently.  We will continue to trust that there is a specific plan and timing for that plan and know that if we do our part, the Lord will do the rest.

Without a doubt, one of the main reasons Logan and I have come so far this past year is because of the support we have received from so many people.  Whether you're family, a close friend, a distant friend or simply a blog reader, we've needed each and every one of you.  I now make a conscious effort to pray for those in need because I know how much every prayer helps.  To those of you who have been with us in some capacity or another along this journey, thank you.  Just as I said HERE, I continue to pray for each one of you.

Today has been a tender day.  Unlike a birthday or anniversary, there's no way to prepare for an anniversary like this.  We planned on staying home with just each other today because we had no idea how we'd be feeling.  I woke up knowing the day was special, knowing the day was different, but not having a clue what to do about it.  It's not a day you truly celebrate but it's not a day I want to mourn either.  We experienced our greatest heartache on this day one year ago but we also experienced great relief knowing our baby was finally free of pain.  Our hearts hurt every day that Eli is gone but also feel happiness knowing where he is.  To say our emotions have been confused today is an understatement.

I'm so glad this day fell on a Sunday.  Logan and I attended church and didn't have anything else we had to do.  After church we took lunch over to the cemetery and had a picnic.  I feel very spoiled since Eli passed so close to Memorial Day because the cemetery is so beautiful and the weather is perfect around this time.  As we ate we listened to his funeral services for the first time.  It was wonderful but difficult hearing all of those words again.  I cried and laughed as Logan talked about the things that made Eli happy or mad.  What a journey we had.  After listening to the services we read the blog posts from when Eli was in the hospital and watched the video that was shown at his funeral.  I could stay at the cemetery forever but it started to get warm so we decided to pack up after a couple hours and get out of the sun.

This text from my Sister-In-Law made me so happy.  Eli and Lily were just a couple months apart and would have been best friends, I'm sure of it.  Lily loves talking to Eli's pictures and apparently tried giving him kisses today :)

Oh, remember how I mentioned it got warm?  

Am I pasty or what?!  Goodness gracious.  I hope that's not a sign for how my summer will be!

After visiting the cemetery we sat on the couch and watched all the videos we took of Eli.  Most of them don't have great meaning but it's so fun remembering what our everyday lives were like in the hospital.  We laughed as we watched the videos and were reminded of all the funny things Eli did.  I cherish having those videos more than I ever thought I would.

Overall, the day has been very nice.  There's no doubt we have felt Eli with us all day and I promise there's no greater comfort in the world.  Each time I get discouraged or feel like I can't get out of bed one morning I try to remind myself that Eli wants us to be happy.  The last thing I want is to let him down so I will continue to live each day striving to make him proud.  

Until we meet again, little man!

Some of you may recall that Eli had the opportunity to be a part of the Primary Children's Hospital annual telethon last year.  We had such a neat experience with it and were so grateful for the opportunity.  We received a call a couple weeks ago from someone at the hospital asking if we would be willing to do a follow up interview during the telethon this year.  Their biggest concern was that we were up for it emotionally and at a point in the grieving process that we would feel comfortable giving an interview.  Logan and I assured them we were emotionally ready to do that and would be honored to be a part of the telethon again.  I had/still have one reservation: The interview is LIVE!  Put me in front of a keyboard and ask me to write and I'll feel very comfortable.  Put me in front of a camera for an interview and I'll feel nervous and will probably stutter a bunch but constantly remind myself that they can edit out any awful moments.  Put me in front of a LIVE camera and I'll be a nervous wreck!  Remember the wonderful prayers all of you said for us for so long?  Well, they worked miracles once (and still do) so I would thoroughly appreciate those prayers again as we prepare for this interview (I'm totally serious!).  The time may change but for those of you interested in watching, the telethon will air live on KSL (6:00-8:00) on Saturday, June 7th and our interview will be around 7:10pm.

Finally, I had the unique opportunity about a week and a half ago to write a guest post on eternal families for a very neat blog. You can read it HERE.  So many thanks to the sweet blog author for providing me this chance to get my thoughts on the topic written down.  Even though they were all in my head, many things made a lot more sense to me after I organized them in writing.

SCID Moms

Yesterday I went to lunch with some of the neatest ladies I know!  SCID is very rare but there happens to be quite a few affected families here in Utah.  I met most of these women (either in person or through social media) while Eli was in the hospital.  Lisy's daughter had a room right next door to us and Toni, who wasn't able to make it to lunch yesterday, was just down the hall with her son.  I can't tell you how helpful and comforting it was to have those two amazing families to lean on while Eli was in the hospital.  I'm sure I picked their brains more than they would have liked!  Sweet Sienna lost her second son, John, to SCID a year ago this month.  She is the best mom and will be so good to her future kids.  Jill and Deni are SCID veterans and trail blazed the way for the rest of us to have a much better experience.  They are magnificent.  I hadn't met Courtney until yesterday but she is amazing just like all the others.  She is one of the most faithful people I have ever met and I can tell she's a wonderful mom to her 4 kids.  If you couldn't tell, I love these ladies so much!  We have a connection that is unmatched by anything and I am so grateful for their love and support in my life. 

Jill, Me, Sienna, Courtney, Deni, Lisy

Deni, one of the most thoughtful people I've met, brought balloons so we could do a balloon release in honor of Eli and John, who've both been gone about a year.  Eli had a ton of shoes and John loved frogs so she tied these adorable shoes and frogs to the end so we could each write a little message to them.  How sweet is she??  I loved it! 

 It was so fun to see all of you!  Many thanks to Lisy for getting us together!  Let's not wait too long before we do it again!

Mother's Day

I had such a wonderful day yesterday and I hope all of you moms did as well!  My husband and family took great care of me and made it such a special day.  I always have a tough time figuring out what to do for my parents on holidays because they can buy whatever they need/want.  I decided my mom and I would have fun getting a pedicure together (my treat, of course) so I made us an appointment at her favorite nail place with her favorite nail friend.  We had lots of fun!

I'm not sure which magazine she was reading...

Sunday morning/afternoon was great!  Before church Logan surprised me with a new camera bag I've wanted forever but haven't had the guts to splurge on and after church he made a delicious lunch.  That boy is quite the chef when he wants to be!  We made a visit to the cemetery which is always my favorite thing to do.  There's such a special peace that fills my heart when I'm there.  We spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out and talking about how blessed we feel that Eli chose us to be his parents.

We went to my parents' for a delicious dinner prepared by my dad and had such a great time hanging out with everyone.  I love these ladies so much!

Staci and Krystal are both expecting this Summer and I can't wait to meet their baby boys!

My sister-in-laws are some of my best friends and I feel so fortunate to have them in my life.  They are the greatest examples of the mother I strive to be and I hope they know how much I love them!  Here's a picture of all 4 of us together.  We sure miss you, Cheryl!

Those of you that I'm Facebook friends with may have already seen my post about my mom but I need to document how much she means to me on my blog as well.  I was trying to think of a word yesterday that describes my mom but I was having a hard time because SO many great words describe my mom.  In the end I settled on CAPTIVATING.  The definition of captivating is "capable of attracting and holding interest; charming".  That describes my mom to a T.  My mom has a wealth of knowledge to share with everyone she meets and I often find it hard to believe I'm lucky enough to be her daughter.  My mom has an endless amount of qualities I could talk about but the thing I admire the most is her knowledge and love of the gospel.  The one thing I have known my entire life is that my mom loves the Lord and has a testimony that's as strong as anyone's.  Thank you, mom, for sharing your love and dedication to the gospel with me--it is the greatest gift you have given me.  I love you!

Like everyone else, the thing I cherish most about Mother's Day is the sweet reminder that I have been given that great calling.  I dreamt of having the title of "mom" since I can remember and it's even more wonderful than I could have imagined.

 
Only a mother can understand the love I have for this little angel and I still can't believe he's mine.  Some of our dear friends lost their little girl a couple weeks ago and my friend's husband wrote the sweetest words on their blog yesterday.  Quinn and Kristi, I hope you don't mind that I share them here.  In a post to Kristi, Quinn said: "I would give anything to get our little girl back so I will do everything to get back to her."  Those are my thoughts exactly.  Whatever it takes in this life to ensure I get to be with Eli again, I will do it.  I'm so grateful I have his sweet spirit and memories giving me strength to continue on each day.

Happy Mother's Day to each one of you!

Nurses' Week

In the past I'm sure I heard about National Nurses' Week but I've never thought much of it.  I've always appreciated nurses and everything they do for so many people but I never had a personal reason to pay much attention to this week.  Boy is that different now!  I vividly remember Nurses Week last year.  (Random fact: I'm 99% sure one of their gifts was a computer bag or something.  I'm not sure why that stuck with me.) It would be very remiss of me not to give a quick thank you to the many nurses that affected our lives in such a positive way.

Even though we were in the hospital for a long time there were quite a few nurses that we only had once or twice yet they were still so wonderful to us and I remember them well.  For those of you that have never stayed in a hospital for an extended period of time, a nurse can easily make or break your day.   There were very few occasions that the latter happened to us the entire time we were there and let's be honest, I was a crazy mom who probably caused most of those problems anyway.  To those nurses that we had a couple times but we haven't seen since, please know how much we appreciate everything you did for us and still do every single day!

Because we had such a long stay and didn't allow visitors, many nurses became like family to us.  Often times the only reason I made it through the day was because we had such a wonderful nurse taking care of us.  Down in the PICU Eli had a primary care nurse that took care of him every shift she worked.  Simply put: she was a Godsend.  From a medical standpoint, she was the only person that new Eli better than me and Logan and I loved that.  It was such a comfort having her walk through the door each morning knowing we were in such good hands.  The weeks she worked 3 shifts in a row were a miracle but then 4 days off felt like an eternity!  She may or may not have heard me complain about that one too many times.  Thank you, my friend, for being so wonderful to us.  Miss you like crazy!

I realize the nurses I'm talking about probably don't read this blog or even know it exists but it makes me feel better knowing those things are in writing. There will never be a Nurses' Week that goes by that my heart doesn't go out to the nurses that worked tirelessly on my little family' s behalf.  I will forever feel in their debt!

I've shared this picture before but it's too good not share again.  This can give you a small glimpse into how wonderful the nurses and staff and PCH truly are.

 

On another note...I couldn't help but share this picture of our beautiful nephew Stir Fry!  2 1/2 months old and cuter than ever!

Easter

What a wonderful weekend!  Easter has always been a favorite holiday of mine because of the warm weather, bright colors and adorable kids in their Easter outfits.  However, given that this was the first Easter we celebrated without our little bunny, I have to admit that I looked at things with an entirely different perspective.  As always, I loved the baskets and egg hunts but I had never spent so much time genuinely reflecting on the atonement and what it truly means for each one of us.  It's often said that we go through trials because we have something to learn and boy did I (and still do!) have a lot to learn. 

I have absolutely loved the church's Easter campaign 'Because of Him'.  I'm sure just about everyone has watched the short video at least once, but if you haven't, you can watch it HERE.  I promise it will be worth your time.  Because of our Savior, Logan and I will get to be with Eli again and raise him as the baby he once was.  We won't miss out on the experiences that were cut short in this life and that brings us such peace and happiness.  

As for yesterday, we had a wonderful time with both of our families!  We attended our new ward for the first time and met some wonderful people already.  I'm excited to get more involved!  After church we ran over to Logan's parents' for a quick brunch and then to their ward to hear them speak.  Well done, Keith and DeAnne!  After listening to Logan's parents we went home and exchanged baskets with each other.  I'm pretty sure Logan forgot the Easter Bunny was supposed to come because it looked like I had been visited by Santa Clause!  I was absolutely spoiled.  I hope you enjoyed your basket full of candy, dear!  Dinner was spent with my family and we had a great time!  The grand kids looked adorable and had a blast with the Easter egg hunt and crafts.  Many thanks to my parents for making yesterday so special!

Love this boy

Aren't they the cutest?!
Klara (6) Amelia (almost 2) Ben (4) Mady (8)

Checking for money!

Slightly blurry but SO excited!

Sweet Lil

 

He was more excited about the "treasure chest" egg than the money--Haha

As some of you may recall, I recently flew to New York and made a road trip back to Salt Lake.  A dear friend of mine lives near Albany and is going to school at BYU-I.  I jumped all over the opportunity to accompany her and her mom on their journey out West.  Most people thought I was crazy for going but we had a great time!  What's better than spending three straight days with two fantastic people?!  The only downside: They were stuck with me that long.  Where are the pictures, you're wondering?  I didn't take one.  Not a single picture.  I was enjoying myself way too much to worry about taking pictures.  I'm sure you can imagine the beautiful scenery we had as we drove through New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Wyoming and into Utah... ;)  We actually had plans to stop and do some sight seeing throughout the trip but were unfortunately met by some nasty weather so we ended up having to drive straight through.  I'm sure I'll get another chance to check out everything we missed along the way.  Many thanks to Rachel and her parents for such a fun trip!

Finals start for Logan this week and finish up on the 30th.  He will then have a week and a half off before the Summer semester begins on the 12th.  We will definitely get as much playing in as possible during those 10 days to make up for his lack of a break.  We've spent the last couple weeks making all sorts of changes to our new little home and love what's been done so far!  As soon as we get the painting finished next week we'll be able to decorate and then I'll post pictures :)

We hope everyone had a happy Easter!

Moving

After nearly 3 years, Logan and I have moved for the first time!  We are very excited about the adventures ahead but sad because of what we will leave behind.  My sweet grandpa, who lives in the Holladay area, allows the grandkids to live in his basement and we in turn help him take care of his house and yard.  We can't wait!

As Logan and I anticipated this move, we discussed all of the good yet difficult things that will come with it.  Most importantly: We have LOVED where we are living!  We truly couldn't have asked for a better newlywed home.  Our landlady has been a dear neighbor and friend and took such good care of us when we needed it most.  We have felt so spoiled by our circumstances and couldn't have asked for anything more!

Just as important: The ward we have been in has been nothing short of a miracle.  Everyone from the sweet nursery kids on up have had a greater impact on us than they will ever know.  We were welcomed with open arms since day one, we were treated like everyone's family members during our days in the hospital and we have received the support we've needed since then without having to ask for it.  Both Logan and I have developed many friendships in this ward and I know we will cherish them forever.  There's no doubt in my mind we were supposed to be surrounded by this ward family and we will feel forever in their debt for everything that has been done on our behalf.  Please, please, please continue to invite us to baby blessings, farewells, homecomings and any other exciting events!  We will miss all of you so much!

Other random things we have been so grateful for and will undoubtedly miss: Living 90 seconds away from both of our families (especially when I had to haul all of our laundry to my parents' every week!), living in the same stake we were both raised in (it's SO weird to imagine being somewhere else!), living 5 minutes away from my work, and this sounds so lame but living minutes from a freeway entrance in any direction!

Going from our above-ground mother-in-law apartment with tons of natural light and vaulted ceilings to a basement with basically no natural light will be quite a change but well worth it, I'm sure!  We have heard wonderful things about the ward (my parents' dear friend is the bishop), Logan will have a short drive to work, we will live closer to some great friends and we will have a bit more space.  Above all else: It will be something different and different is what we need!

With all of that begin said, we couldn't be more thrilled for this opportunity to start a new chapter of our lives.  We definitely aren't closing the book, we have learned too many wonderful things and grown way too much to want to do that, but we are ready to take what we've learned with us and continue on.  When we moved into our first place as a newly wed couple, we had all of our dreams planned out.  It is difficult knowing we once had Eli's nursery all set up in our old apartment and realizing it won't be coming with us but we know he will be.  We feel him with us more than I ever imagined possible and I can't describe the amount of strength it gives to us.

Farewell, Crown Pointe!  Thanks for the memories!

The Twin Cities

I have always had a special place in my heart for Minnesota because my grandma was born there and I have quite a few relatives that still live there but my true love for the Twin Cities developed once Paul and Cheryl moved out there.  I have lost count of the number of times I've visited but each time I go it's as good as the last.  My absolute favorite time to be in MN is during the Fall--it is gorgeous!  My least favorite time to be there?  You guessed it!  Winter!  I hope we never have to live somewhere that is so cold for so long.  Opening the door for a mere few seconds makes the whole house freezing and walking outside only happened for me when it was an absolute must.  Thank goodness our primary purpose for the trip was to see that new little baby so we could just stay cuddled up by the fire most days!

I brought my good camera and for some reason never took it out of its case the entire time I was there.  I was too into all of my boys!  The only pictures I have were taken with my phone so forgive the poor quality.

Happy 1 month baby Stir Fry!

Sterling LOVES Will!  My mom calls Will the baby whisperer and it couldn't be more fitting.  Aside from his mom, Will has the easiest time calming Sterling down when he walks around with him like this :)

Lovin Frozen just like everybody else!

Love this boy!  None of these pictures show it but his eyes are quite blue!

We have a thumb sucker already!

 Aside from kissing on the boys as much as I could, we had a busy week full of fun!  My Aunt Deb (who is technically my mom's cousin) was able to come over for a visit and it was so good to see her!  She has been so wonderful to us the past year and donated much of what ended up on Eli's tree.  Love you, Deb!

Adam turned 4 the day before I got there and Tanner's 8th birthday is this week so they had a combined birthday party.  Around Christmas time the boys entered a drawing at Home Depot for a private party and they recently got a call saying they had won!  Home Depot has a craft/project event for kids every Saturday but this was their very own party.  We were so impressed with the setup and how well they took care of us we asked how much it would cost to do something like this again.  We were told they don't offer private parties as a rule so you just have to be fortunate enough to win.  The kids had a great time building, opening presents and eating cake.

Cooper, T, Alex and Max

Reagan, Lucas, Adam and Elizabeth (If only I could say those names in Adam's accent it would be 10x better!)

I have to give a quick shout out to my Tan Man!  To those of you that are lucky enough to know him: he is doing so well!  He has made SO much progress in every way!  Socially and academically he is leaps and bounds ahead of where he has been, it was so fun to see.  Thank goodness for the fantastic Minnesota school system!

Paul and Cheryl hired a babysitter one night which allowed the 4 of us to go out to dinner and enjoy a few kid free hours.  I unfortunately didn't take a single picture but I promise we had a wonderful time!  Our final evening was spent with some dear friends who recently joined the church and have become like parents to Paul and Cheryl and grandparents to their boys.  It was so good to see you, Jan and Duane!

Our trip went way too fast and I miss all of you already!  I'm already counting down the days until I get to visit again!