Third Anniversary

Happy three year anniversary to my sweet husband (tomorrow)!  I talk about this often, especially lately, but time is a funny thing.  I feel like we've been married ten years, not three.  I know you couples out there that have been married much longer than us will probably laugh when you read that but I attribute it to two things: 1. Logan and I have been friends since we were 12 and have dated since we were 18 and 2. We've gone through far more than I expected we would during our first three years of marriage.  In some ways it feels like our wedding just happened and in others it feels like a lifetime ago.  Either way, it's so fun celebrating this special time and reflecting on how grateful I am for my temple marriage to Logan.  

I don't want to forget how we celebrated our first two anniversaries so I'm going to very briefly recap them.  We spent our wedding night at the Grand America so for our first anniversary we spent the weekend downtown and stayed in the same room we stayed in on our wedding night.  It was a simple and fun but very relaxing weekend!  For our second anniversary last year, we decompressed from the excitement of things and went to Jamaica.  I don't think we'll be able to beat that celebration very easily!  In about 6 weeks we're taking off to Europe so rather than spend a lot of money on another extravagant vacation for our anniversary this year we decided to head to Park City for the weekend.  We found a Groupon for a resort in Deer Valley and spent the weekend relaxing, eating yummy food and of course shopping!  Logan and I were both able to get off work a couple hours early so around 4 o'clock we headed East to the Chateaux Deer Valley.  Talk about amazing mountain views and a cozy, cabin-like room!

We drove up roads like this one for quite awhile which was so great because the resort is tucked away in the mountains which gives it a very secluded feel.  We loved it!  Even though we were only 45 minutes from home, it felt much further.

Below are a few views from the pool which was just outside the patio to our room.  Ocean views and being at the beach are amazing but in our opinion, it's hard to beat these views too.

We have stayed at some pretty neat hotels and resorts but we loved our room at this resort because of the cozy feel it had.  The angles in our room were awkward for pictures but I was able to get a few decent ones.

We were even given a nice card from the staff with anniversary well-wishes:

Rather than drive down into PC for dinner we decided to eat at an Italian restaurant at the resort.  Unfortunately I didn't take any pictures but it was delicious!  After dinner we relaxed in the hot tub, watched a movie, and talked and laughed.  It was a simple night but it was just what we needed.  

We loved the thought of being able to sleep in but unfortunately our brains woke us up at 6:45 sharp.  We went downstairs for the breakfast that was included in our stay and it was amazing! We had a lazy morning and finally got ready to check out around 11 o'clock.  Our next stop was the Park City outlets which is easily dangerous.  Many of the stores were having 50% off sales so we were able to find some great deals.  We don't splurge on ourselves too often so we had fun finding a few things.

Because we had already spent a few bucks, we decided to take it easy for lunch and treat ourselves to Taco Bell.  It actually tasted really good for some reason!

Logan's sister and brother-in-law recently bought a cabin in Oakley and were driving out to do some work on Saturday afternoon so we decided to tag along since we were already halfway there and we wanted to check out their new buy.  Their cabin is a fixer on a great lot and is going to be so much fun when they're finished!  We're hoping to learn some new skills ourselves by helping them out with the renos.

Overall, the weekend, while short, was perfect and just what we needed.  It was so nice to escape from the daily demands of our lives and enjoy being with just the two of us for awhile.  We can't wait for out next stay at the Chateaux Deer Valley!

I am so grateful for Logan and the happiness he brings to my life.  Despite the challenges in our past and the ones I know we have yet to face I find great comfort knowing I have him by my side.  He's such a wonderful father and husband and I can't wait to watch him magnify those callings in the days ahead.  I know year four will bring just as much happiness and growth as the past three years have and I can't wait to experience it with my main man!

Father's Day

Without further (or any) ado: Happy Father's day to each and every daddy out there!  I love days that I am able to spoil other people in my life without having any of the spotlight on me.  Father's Day is fabulous because it gives me an opportunity to honor the two most important men in my life--my husband and my dad.  Because words, gifts, lunch dates and breakfast in bed won't do it justice, I hope these two know how much I love and appreciate all that they are in my life.

Dear Dad,

Happy Father's Day!  I hope you know what an honor it as to be the only girl in the world that gets to call you dad.  Having grown up with five brothers, I truly am and always will be a daddy's girl.  From the time I was little I have valued your advice and protection more than you will ever know and as I get older I begin to understand how fortunate I am to have it.  

Despite all that you have given me in life, there is nothing I admire more about you than your love for and knowledge of the gospel.  I have never met anyone as dedicated as you to the church and all that it asks of us.  I hope you know that one of the main reasons I am who I am today is because of how you raised me and how I've watched you live your life.  Much of the strength of my testimony comes from knowing yours and for that I am forever grateful to you.

I can't wait for the days and years ahead in which we will be able to create many memories and experience life's trials together.  Thank you for joining me for lunch a few days ago--there's nothing I love more than our quality time with each other.  I hope you have a happy Father's Day and know that I love you!

Lizzy Lou

 

Logan,

I wish there were words to express my love and admiration for you.  As soon as I met you I knew you would one day make an amazing father but I had no idea how much you would exceed my expectations.  Because of the love I have for our boy, I found no greater joy than by watching you be a daddy to him.  Thank you for making those dreams come true.

There aren't many men in this world that would have the strength to do what you did for 3 1/2 months while your family was living in a hospital.  Knowing you were waking up before the sun rose each morning so you could get enough hours in at work before driving to the hospital for the remainder of the evening made me more grateful for you than you could ever imagine.   Eli was always happiest when his daddy was home and I know his heart aches every day that he is apart from you.

Thank you for being my best friend and most trusted confidant.  No matter what I go through in life, as long as I have you by my side, I know I can overcome it.  Being married to such a dedicated disciple of Christ drives me to be better every day with the goal of one day living my life as well as you do.  I love you, Rico!

Liz

Our day has been filled with fun Father's Day celebrations beginning bright and early with breakfast for my main man.  I am far from skilled when it comes to cooking/baking but thankfully Logan is far from picky so he gratefully ate my rookie breakfast. After breakfast I gave Logan what he has wanted for a long time--a bracelet he could wear each day to remember Eli.  I have a necklace with Eli's thumbprint that I love so much so Logan has always wanted something for himself.  Logan is a pretty classy/preppy guy so he pulls this off well.

We quickly had to get ready for church and head over a few minutes early so we could be ready to teach our first lesson to the 10 year olds!  Neither of us has ever taught primary before (nursery doesn't count) so we are really excited for this calling!  I also had the special opportunity of speaking in our new ward for the first time today.  I spoke on the Priesthood and learned so much about how amazing the Priesthood holders in our lives truly are.  I hope I never take for granted what a blessing it is to have a worthy Priesthood holder in our home.  This ward doesn't have couples speak together so Logan will speak another time.

After church we came home for lunch and a nap before we spend the evening with our families.  We will stop by my parents' to visit my dad before heading over to be with Logan's dad and family for dinner. I'm so grateful for my father-in-law and hope he knows how much I love being a part of his family and married to his wonderful son.  I have three brothers that are amazing dads and I am so grateful for their wonderful examples to me as well!

After dinner it will be time for my inaugural shot!  I'll update the "IVF Journal" page a little later with more details on how it went!

IVF Cycle #1

IVF, here we come!  Several things that we didn't expect would be ready for awhile have fallen into place so we had a decision to make: Should we do a cycle before our trip to Europe in August or would it be better to wait and start everything when we get back?  It really came down to one important factor--are we ready? After a lot of praying and pondering, together we decided that we are ready to take this step and we couldn't be more grateful this opportunity is available to us.  

In order to be finished with the cycle and have plenty of time for recovery before our trip, I need to start Lupron this Sunday.  It's hard to believe we're starting so soon!  I won't have an appointment at the clinic for a couple weeks so it sounds like I will begin the shots on Sunday with a tentative retrieval date of July 11th.

Because of our need to test the embryos, we will be doing a frozen transfer.  We have not decided or even discussed when that might be, however, we are excited that we will go on our trip knowing whether or not we have any healthy embryos frozen for future use.  

For those of you that are curious and aren't as familiar with IVF, the process will go something like this: I will begin on Sunday, June 15th and the egg retrieval will be sometime around the middle of July. When the embryos are five days old, five cells from the outer layer of each embryo will be biopsied and sent to a lab in California to be tested.  Once biopsied, the embryos will be frozen at the clinic. The lab will be performing PGD and PGS.  PGD will test the embryos for SCID and PGS will test for any missing or extra chromosomes.  Every disorder can't be tested for but PGS will rule out many genetic conditions.  It will take around one week before we receive the results from the lab at which point we will know, as I said above, if we have any healthy embryos.  

I remember hearing about IVF growing up and happen to be surrounded by many friends and family members that have done IVF themselves but never imagined it was a route we would have to go ourselves.  Who does though, right?  To all of you who have any experience with IVF: We would love your input/advice/tips/tricks!  Whether it's advice for me, who will obviously be doing the cycle, or Logan, who will be my biggest supporter, we would love any words of wisdom you have to offer!

When we began the IVF process back in November, I created a draft page that I've been using as a journal so we don't forget the details.  I didn't plan on posting it until we started a cycle but the entries were all written on the date the appointment or news took place.  The entries probably won't be exciting and more than likely won't have pictures, I simply want to write down the details because I know we'll quickly forget them.  You're more than welcome to check that page out if you're interested in more frequent updates during my cycle.  I'll write a main post occasionally but will probably post a few times a week on the "IVF Journal" tab.

I've said it many times before but I'll happily say it again: Logan and I are so grateful for the endless amount of support we continue to receive.  It is so fun sharing our journey and experiences with all of you and we would appreciate your prayers for a successful cycle more than you can imagine.  Here's to our next great adventure!

PCH Telethon

What a special experience!  After we were asked to be interviewed for the Primary Children's Hospital Telethon, I knew two things: 1. I was nervous to be in front of the camera on live television but 2. Despite the nerves, it would be a neat experience.  Boy was I wrong!  When we got to the hospital and began prepping for the interview, I was TERRIFIED!  I wouldn't have been surprised if my heart had jumped out of my chest because it was beating so hard.  For some people this camera business is no big deal but for us it was.  We tried to keep in mind where to look, where not to look (they told us not to look at the camera at all but I may or may not have snuck (sneaked?) a couple peaks at the end) and how to sit, how not to sit.  The interview actually flew by and Doug Wright is the sweetest man I have ever met.  We were able to DVR the telethon at home so we came home after and watched it.  Watching it was fun because we were able to see the clips of Eli and I think it definitely could have been worse so I can't complain too much.  We didn't seem to say anything too embarrassing or stutter too much so we'll take it!

Being a part of the telethon wasn't just a neat experience, it was an incredible experience.  Everyone from the volunteers up to the president of KSL were so wonderful to us and we were so honored to share a bit of our story again.  We had a couple minutes after the interview to talk with Doug Wright and he was so genuine and kind.  Fortunately we were able to get a couple pictures to remember this special night.

After the interview our nerves were finally gone and we were able to go upstairs and enjoy the fun dinner/party the hospital provided for everyone involved with the telethon.  We had a lot of fun eating dinner out on the newly completed rooftop deck and enjoyed watching other families participate in the telethon.  

So many thanks to the hospital for inviting us back this year!  There aren't words to express our gratitude for that wonderful facility and the love we feel from the entire staff.  

**We received so many kind texts from our friends and family and hope you all know how much we appreciate your support!  We know prayers were said on our behalf and cherish them more than you know.  We couldn't have done it without the help of so many others!  For those of you that weren't able to watch the telethon last night and have asked how you can see it, we're hoping to secure a copy soon.  As far as I know they won't post it online but you're more than welcome to come over to our house or my parents' to watch it on the DVR! :)**

1 Year: Finding Happiness

Wow.  I can't believe it has been a year.  I have to admit that this is not the "1 Year" post I imagined I'd be writing when Eli was born.  Like many mommy bloggers, I hoped to document each month of Eli's life and then share the fun celebrations we had on his first birthday.  Learning to walk, stuffing his face with cake, eating most foods and opening lots of toys are the types of things I expected this post to consist of.  Alas, this post is very different from balloons, cake, presents and a big party.  Instead, this post touches on our experiences of healing and hope.

I am often in awe at the amount of healing Logan and I have been blessed with over the past year.  If you would have shown me a glimpse of our lives one year into the future before Eli died, I would have absolutely told you that the only reason we felt this much happiness and peace is because he had gotten out of the hospital and was on the road to recovery.  The sting of losing Eli doesn't get any weaker, but we continue to get stronger and have a greater ability to handle it

Don't get me wrong, there are often days that we continue to struggle.  We still experience tears, great heartache and "if onlys". Simple things like walking through Target and seeing the adorable little boy clothes tug at my heartstrings.  Thinking of Summer coming is tough because I can't help but imagine how much fun we would have had watching Eli swim and play outside.  Four little boy cousins were or will be born by this summer and I know he would have had so much fun with them.  In just over a month he would have been old enough for nursery (isn't that crazy?!) and I know we would have loved dropping him off for the first time.  If I'm not thinking about these happy things that could have been, I sometimes catch myself reliving the not-so-happy days Eli lived.  It breaks my heart that he went through so much and experienced so much pain yet there was nothing we could do to relieve it or even explain to him why he was feeling the way he was.  During the days that I feel down, I try to remind myself of some great advice I recently read: "…No matter how good or bad I have it, I must wake up each day thankful for my life, because someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Truth be told, happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them...”

One of the most common questions we get is: "How are you REALLY doing?"  Honestly?  We are genuinely happy.  Of course we wish Eli was still with us but I would never wish away what we've experienced because of how much we've grown.  I feel like an entirely different person from who I was 12+ months ago.  My perspective on life, our marriage, my relationship with my family and friends and my goals have all vastly changed--in a positive way.  I love who I've become and consider it one of my greatest blessings.

Hope.  We have a lot of it.  We have high expectations for our future and what it holds.  One year from now Logan will be done with school and I'm sure there will be other exciting changes in our lives as well.  (No, this is NOT an announcement!) People continue to wonder when we'll expand our family but we honestly don't have an answer because we still don't know ourselves.  Some of you may recall that pregnancy was not kind to me.  From about 5 weeks along until nearly 6 months postpartum I had a rough road and it was tough on both me and Logan.  Physical challenges aside, neither of us is quite ready emotionally.  The loss of Eli continues to weigh on us, some times more than others, and we want to be a bit more stable before we bless our lives with another baby.  And, of course, the IVF journey we've chosen isn't exactly as easy as pie.  We still need more time to work out all of the logistics.

If I think too much about all of the physical, emotional and IVF hurdles ahead of us I tend to get overwhelmed but then I remind myself that everything will fall into place exactly when and how it's supposed to.  Right now, we aren't ready for another baby but we may wake up tomorrow and feel very differently.  We will continue to trust that there is a specific plan and timing for that plan and know that if we do our part, the Lord will do the rest.

Without a doubt, one of the main reasons Logan and I have come so far this past year is because of the support we have received from so many people.  Whether you're family, a close friend, a distant friend or simply a blog reader, we've needed each and every one of you.  I now make a conscious effort to pray for those in need because I know how much every prayer helps.  To those of you who have been with us in some capacity or another along this journey, thank you.  Just as I said HERE, I continue to pray for each one of you.

Today has been a tender day.  Unlike a birthday or anniversary, there's no way to prepare for an anniversary like this.  We planned on staying home with just each other today because we had no idea how we'd be feeling.  I woke up knowing the day was special, knowing the day was different, but not having a clue what to do about it.  It's not a day you truly celebrate but it's not a day I want to mourn either.  We experienced our greatest heartache on this day one year ago but we also experienced great relief knowing our baby was finally free of pain.  Our hearts hurt every day that Eli is gone but also feel happiness knowing where he is.  To say our emotions have been confused today is an understatement.

I'm so glad this day fell on a Sunday.  Logan and I attended church and didn't have anything else we had to do.  After church we took lunch over to the cemetery and had a picnic.  I feel very spoiled since Eli passed so close to Memorial Day because the cemetery is so beautiful and the weather is perfect around this time.  As we ate we listened to his funeral services for the first time.  It was wonderful but difficult hearing all of those words again.  I cried and laughed as Logan talked about the things that made Eli happy or mad.  What a journey we had.  After listening to the services we read the blog posts from when Eli was in the hospital and watched the video that was shown at his funeral.  I could stay at the cemetery forever but it started to get warm so we decided to pack up after a couple hours and get out of the sun.

This text from my Sister-In-Law made me so happy.  Eli and Lily were just a couple months apart and would have been best friends, I'm sure of it.  Lily loves talking to Eli's pictures and apparently tried giving him kisses today :)

Oh, remember how I mentioned it got warm?  

Am I pasty or what?!  Goodness gracious.  I hope that's not a sign for how my summer will be!

After visiting the cemetery we sat on the couch and watched all the videos we took of Eli.  Most of them don't have great meaning but it's so fun remembering what our everyday lives were like in the hospital.  We laughed as we watched the videos and were reminded of all the funny things Eli did.  I cherish having those videos more than I ever thought I would.

Overall, the day has been very nice.  There's no doubt we have felt Eli with us all day and I promise there's no greater comfort in the world.  Each time I get discouraged or feel like I can't get out of bed one morning I try to remind myself that Eli wants us to be happy.  The last thing I want is to let him down so I will continue to live each day striving to make him proud.  

Until we meet again, little man!

Some of you may recall that Eli had the opportunity to be a part of the Primary Children's Hospital annual telethon last year.  We had such a neat experience with it and were so grateful for the opportunity.  We received a call a couple weeks ago from someone at the hospital asking if we would be willing to do a follow up interview during the telethon this year.  Their biggest concern was that we were up for it emotionally and at a point in the grieving process that we would feel comfortable giving an interview.  Logan and I assured them we were emotionally ready to do that and would be honored to be a part of the telethon again.  I had/still have one reservation: The interview is LIVE!  Put me in front of a keyboard and ask me to write and I'll feel very comfortable.  Put me in front of a camera for an interview and I'll feel nervous and will probably stutter a bunch but constantly remind myself that they can edit out any awful moments.  Put me in front of a LIVE camera and I'll be a nervous wreck!  Remember the wonderful prayers all of you said for us for so long?  Well, they worked miracles once (and still do) so I would thoroughly appreciate those prayers again as we prepare for this interview (I'm totally serious!).  The time may change but for those of you interested in watching, the telethon will air live on KSL (6:00-8:00) on Saturday, June 7th and our interview will be around 7:10pm.

Finally, I had the unique opportunity about a week and a half ago to write a guest post on eternal families for a very neat blog. You can read it HERE.  So many thanks to the sweet blog author for providing me this chance to get my thoughts on the topic written down.  Even though they were all in my head, many things made a lot more sense to me after I organized them in writing.

SCID Moms

Yesterday I went to lunch with some of the neatest ladies I know!  SCID is very rare but there happens to be quite a few affected families here in Utah.  I met most of these women (either in person or through social media) while Eli was in the hospital.  Lisy's daughter had a room right next door to us and Toni, who wasn't able to make it to lunch yesterday, was just down the hall with her son.  I can't tell you how helpful and comforting it was to have those two amazing families to lean on while Eli was in the hospital.  I'm sure I picked their brains more than they would have liked!  Sweet Sienna lost her second son, John, to SCID a year ago this month.  She is the best mom and will be so good to her future kids.  Jill and Deni are SCID veterans and trail blazed the way for the rest of us to have a much better experience.  They are magnificent.  I hadn't met Courtney until yesterday but she is amazing just like all the others.  She is one of the most faithful people I have ever met and I can tell she's a wonderful mom to her 4 kids.  If you couldn't tell, I love these ladies so much!  We have a connection that is unmatched by anything and I am so grateful for their love and support in my life. 

Jill, Me, Sienna, Courtney, Deni, Lisy

Deni, one of the most thoughtful people I've met, brought balloons so we could do a balloon release in honor of Eli and John, who've both been gone about a year.  Eli had a ton of shoes and John loved frogs so she tied these adorable shoes and frogs to the end so we could each write a little message to them.  How sweet is she??  I loved it! 

 It was so fun to see all of you!  Many thanks to Lisy for getting us together!  Let's not wait too long before we do it again!

Mother's Day

I had such a wonderful day yesterday and I hope all of you moms did as well!  My husband and family took great care of me and made it such a special day.  I always have a tough time figuring out what to do for my parents on holidays because they can buy whatever they need/want.  I decided my mom and I would have fun getting a pedicure together (my treat, of course) so I made us an appointment at her favorite nail place with her favorite nail friend.  We had lots of fun!

I'm not sure which magazine she was reading...

Sunday morning/afternoon was great!  Before church Logan surprised me with a new camera bag I've wanted forever but haven't had the guts to splurge on and after church he made a delicious lunch.  That boy is quite the chef when he wants to be!  We made a visit to the cemetery which is always my favorite thing to do.  There's such a special peace that fills my heart when I'm there.  We spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out and talking about how blessed we feel that Eli chose us to be his parents.

We went to my parents' for a delicious dinner prepared by my dad and had such a great time hanging out with everyone.  I love these ladies so much!

Staci and Krystal are both expecting this Summer and I can't wait to meet their baby boys!

My sister-in-laws are some of my best friends and I feel so fortunate to have them in my life.  They are the greatest examples of the mother I strive to be and I hope they know how much I love them!  Here's a picture of all 4 of us together.  We sure miss you, Cheryl!

Those of you that I'm Facebook friends with may have already seen my post about my mom but I need to document how much she means to me on my blog as well.  I was trying to think of a word yesterday that describes my mom but I was having a hard time because SO many great words describe my mom.  In the end I settled on CAPTIVATING.  The definition of captivating is "capable of attracting and holding interest; charming".  That describes my mom to a T.  My mom has a wealth of knowledge to share with everyone she meets and I often find it hard to believe I'm lucky enough to be her daughter.  My mom has an endless amount of qualities I could talk about but the thing I admire the most is her knowledge and love of the gospel.  The one thing I have known my entire life is that my mom loves the Lord and has a testimony that's as strong as anyone's.  Thank you, mom, for sharing your love and dedication to the gospel with me--it is the greatest gift you have given me.  I love you!

Like everyone else, the thing I cherish most about Mother's Day is the sweet reminder that I have been given that great calling.  I dreamt of having the title of "mom" since I can remember and it's even more wonderful than I could have imagined.

 
Only a mother can understand the love I have for this little angel and I still can't believe he's mine.  Some of our dear friends lost their little girl a couple weeks ago and my friend's husband wrote the sweetest words on their blog yesterday.  Quinn and Kristi, I hope you don't mind that I share them here.  In a post to Kristi, Quinn said: "I would give anything to get our little girl back so I will do everything to get back to her."  Those are my thoughts exactly.  Whatever it takes in this life to ensure I get to be with Eli again, I will do it.  I'm so grateful I have his sweet spirit and memories giving me strength to continue on each day.

Happy Mother's Day to each one of you!